When I first decided to take on this thirty day blog challenge I noted a few things down that I could write about if I got stuck for ideas, so today I've decided I'm going to tackle one that I had a big question mark beside. The reason being it's something that will involve dredging up some tough memories for me, but sometimes sharing these types of stories somehow eradicates some of the fear or sadness in your own head, or so I've found, so I thought what the hell I'll give it a go...
What I want to focus on here is inner strength and how we sometimes don't realise how tenacious we can be until we are put into a position to have to test it out, I'm talking physically as well as mentally. A bit like childbirth I guess, something I'd forever been afraid of until the point I got pregnant and figured that I'd got two choices, be terrified and no doubt subsequently in a lot of pain or work out a way to channel my energy into a positive place so that whilst giving birth I was the strongest me I could be. This appeared to work, as I managed to get through it in a pretty chilled manner and without pain relief, so yippee for that!
There have been a few times in my life that I've had to pull some significant personal power out of the bag when least expected, one of which I'm going to tell you about now... It was February 2012 and my Daughter was just six months old. We had booked up to go for a swim at the private pool in the neighbouring village, where we tried to go each week to get our Daughter used to the water.
My husband had been on his Brothers Stag party the night before so was feeling a bit worse for wear but what better thing to refresh him than a swim! So we were all in the pool and usually we took it in turns at the shallower end to hold and play with our daughter whilst the other one did ten or so lengths. That morning though I only managed two lengths and had to stop as I was having some problems with my shoulder (you will learn why I was so grateful for this pain!), so I took my Daughter from my husband and let him do all the swimming for this session. After a couple of minutes of playing I realised that my husband had vanished... Initially I expected him to pop his head up having done a couple of strokes under water to wake himself up but no, so I guessed he'd gone to the toilet. I called out but no reply and it was at this moment that my heart started racing and the dread that came over me was insane. I was pretty sure I knew where he was now, so as quickly as I could, with a six month old baby in my arms, I leapt out of the water and the terrifying situation I had feared was confirmed. My husband was in fact laying on the bottom of the deep end of the pool!
I put my daughter down on the side as far away from the edge of the water as I could and dived straight back into the pool, managing on my first attempt to reach the bottom and grab my husband, dragging him to the surface. His lips were blue and he wasn't making any sound. I gripped onto the steps at the deep end with one hand and kept a firm hold of him with the other, whilst screaming at the top of my lungs for help. Of course this set my Daughter off and she started balling her eyes out too but I couldn't get to her. I felt so helpless. It went through my head that this was it, my husband was about to die in my arms and our screaming Daughter of six months old would not grow up to know her Dad. Why was this shit happening to us?!! After what seemed like forever I came to the realisation that nobody could hear me and I had no choice but to swim him to the shallow end and try to drag him out of the pool. He was a dead weight and even with some basic life saving skills that I remembered from childhood lessons, I wasn't strong enough to swim along with him in the normal lifesaving fashion that I had practiced with dummies and friends, so instead I swam on my back under the water the whole way pushing him up with all my strength to ensure his face was above water.
When I eventually got him to the shallow end I tried to drag him up the steps but it was no good I couldn't get him out so started shouting for help again. Then I noticed it... the red emergency alarm button on the wall just behind where my Daughter was laying! Why had I not noticed this before I jumped in the pool?!! So now I could see it and it was possibly our only chance of help, how on earth could I get to it without my Husband sliding back into the water? Thinking fast I realised my only choice was to pull him back as far as I could and then let go, run toward my Daughter, jump over her and hit the button, jump back over her (whilst she's afraid and screaming still) and grab my husband just before he slipped back in. At this point he started to make groaning noises and I was pretty sure he was or had been fitting (he had a history of alcohol induced seizures but I'd never experienced him having one as he didn't often drink much because of the allergy to it and definitely never touched spirits, which is what he had been told was the trigger).
It wasn't long after this that he came around but he didn't know who he was, where he was etc (apparently typical of how people act after one of these seizures). He started throwing his arms about and acting in a violent way, totally out of character from the man I knew. It was scary and I didn't know what to do to try and calm him down. I was relieved that he wasn't dead but now this episode was almost even more alarming in a totally different way. He started walking around but he didn't seem to know that he was by the edge of a swimming pool and I was worried he couldn't even see our Daughter on the floor and that he'd tread on her but luckily a few moments later the guy who owned the pool and lived on site ran in through the emergency fire escape doors having heard the alarm. I shouted at him to call an ambulance and please pick up my Daughter and then following him came his Daughter and wife to help too, taking care of wrapping our Daughter up, who by this time was probably freezing. They were also calling the ambulance whilst me and the guy were trying to get my delirious other half away from the pool. It was a physical battle and took all my strength to manoeuvre him away (the guy helping was probably in his 70's so I was worried he'd get hurt and took on the tugging and pulling myself). This also involved us wandering about outside in our swimming costumes, in February remember, whilst I tried to reassure him that he was ok and not to worry or take off. Being outdoors posed a whole other problem though as now we had roads to worry about and he kept heading towards them! I cannot tell you how relieved I felt when the paramedics walked around the corner, followed shortly by my Mum and Step-Dad (who the owners of the pool had called at my request, as they only live up the road). It was over to them now and at this point something happened to me... the strength that I had held onto and been powering through with for the last half an hour evaporated into thin air, I started to break down, but hang on, I couldn't! I needed to check on my Daughter, who was being dressed by the Mum and Daughter that had picked her up earlier. She was fine now and boy did I need a cuddle with her!
My husband was in quite a state and was taken off in the ambulance accompanied by my Step-Dad as I was told to stay with my Daughter. They took him to the hospital and we learned that enroute he had another bad seizure but was luckily ok. A few hours later he was allowed home and his parents went to pick them up and bring them back to my Mums, where we stayed that night and for a week afterwards. I was a nervous wreck every time he was out of my site, the smallest noise and I was shouting out to see what had happened. It has taken three and half years of trying to be less panicky about everything but this on top of being a parent has definitely made me more anxious! I had some counselling but was told after two sessions that I was fine. Apparently having common sense makes you fine! Anyway, I am actually ok now, I still have flashbacks now and again but I try to quickly switch to visualising something else. What I will never understand though is how on earth I had the strength to do what I did that day, but it was in me. It's in us all and when you need it, it will come, it will always come! So I suppose we should never be afraid? I'm not quite there yet but I'm working on it!
What I want to focus on here is inner strength and how we sometimes don't realise how tenacious we can be until we are put into a position to have to test it out, I'm talking physically as well as mentally. A bit like childbirth I guess, something I'd forever been afraid of until the point I got pregnant and figured that I'd got two choices, be terrified and no doubt subsequently in a lot of pain or work out a way to channel my energy into a positive place so that whilst giving birth I was the strongest me I could be. This appeared to work, as I managed to get through it in a pretty chilled manner and without pain relief, so yippee for that!
There have been a few times in my life that I've had to pull some significant personal power out of the bag when least expected, one of which I'm going to tell you about now... It was February 2012 and my Daughter was just six months old. We had booked up to go for a swim at the private pool in the neighbouring village, where we tried to go each week to get our Daughter used to the water.
My husband had been on his Brothers Stag party the night before so was feeling a bit worse for wear but what better thing to refresh him than a swim! So we were all in the pool and usually we took it in turns at the shallower end to hold and play with our daughter whilst the other one did ten or so lengths. That morning though I only managed two lengths and had to stop as I was having some problems with my shoulder (you will learn why I was so grateful for this pain!), so I took my Daughter from my husband and let him do all the swimming for this session. After a couple of minutes of playing I realised that my husband had vanished... Initially I expected him to pop his head up having done a couple of strokes under water to wake himself up but no, so I guessed he'd gone to the toilet. I called out but no reply and it was at this moment that my heart started racing and the dread that came over me was insane. I was pretty sure I knew where he was now, so as quickly as I could, with a six month old baby in my arms, I leapt out of the water and the terrifying situation I had feared was confirmed. My husband was in fact laying on the bottom of the deep end of the pool!
I put my daughter down on the side as far away from the edge of the water as I could and dived straight back into the pool, managing on my first attempt to reach the bottom and grab my husband, dragging him to the surface. His lips were blue and he wasn't making any sound. I gripped onto the steps at the deep end with one hand and kept a firm hold of him with the other, whilst screaming at the top of my lungs for help. Of course this set my Daughter off and she started balling her eyes out too but I couldn't get to her. I felt so helpless. It went through my head that this was it, my husband was about to die in my arms and our screaming Daughter of six months old would not grow up to know her Dad. Why was this shit happening to us?!! After what seemed like forever I came to the realisation that nobody could hear me and I had no choice but to swim him to the shallow end and try to drag him out of the pool. He was a dead weight and even with some basic life saving skills that I remembered from childhood lessons, I wasn't strong enough to swim along with him in the normal lifesaving fashion that I had practiced with dummies and friends, so instead I swam on my back under the water the whole way pushing him up with all my strength to ensure his face was above water.
When I eventually got him to the shallow end I tried to drag him up the steps but it was no good I couldn't get him out so started shouting for help again. Then I noticed it... the red emergency alarm button on the wall just behind where my Daughter was laying! Why had I not noticed this before I jumped in the pool?!! So now I could see it and it was possibly our only chance of help, how on earth could I get to it without my Husband sliding back into the water? Thinking fast I realised my only choice was to pull him back as far as I could and then let go, run toward my Daughter, jump over her and hit the button, jump back over her (whilst she's afraid and screaming still) and grab my husband just before he slipped back in. At this point he started to make groaning noises and I was pretty sure he was or had been fitting (he had a history of alcohol induced seizures but I'd never experienced him having one as he didn't often drink much because of the allergy to it and definitely never touched spirits, which is what he had been told was the trigger).
It wasn't long after this that he came around but he didn't know who he was, where he was etc (apparently typical of how people act after one of these seizures). He started throwing his arms about and acting in a violent way, totally out of character from the man I knew. It was scary and I didn't know what to do to try and calm him down. I was relieved that he wasn't dead but now this episode was almost even more alarming in a totally different way. He started walking around but he didn't seem to know that he was by the edge of a swimming pool and I was worried he couldn't even see our Daughter on the floor and that he'd tread on her but luckily a few moments later the guy who owned the pool and lived on site ran in through the emergency fire escape doors having heard the alarm. I shouted at him to call an ambulance and please pick up my Daughter and then following him came his Daughter and wife to help too, taking care of wrapping our Daughter up, who by this time was probably freezing. They were also calling the ambulance whilst me and the guy were trying to get my delirious other half away from the pool. It was a physical battle and took all my strength to manoeuvre him away (the guy helping was probably in his 70's so I was worried he'd get hurt and took on the tugging and pulling myself). This also involved us wandering about outside in our swimming costumes, in February remember, whilst I tried to reassure him that he was ok and not to worry or take off. Being outdoors posed a whole other problem though as now we had roads to worry about and he kept heading towards them! I cannot tell you how relieved I felt when the paramedics walked around the corner, followed shortly by my Mum and Step-Dad (who the owners of the pool had called at my request, as they only live up the road). It was over to them now and at this point something happened to me... the strength that I had held onto and been powering through with for the last half an hour evaporated into thin air, I started to break down, but hang on, I couldn't! I needed to check on my Daughter, who was being dressed by the Mum and Daughter that had picked her up earlier. She was fine now and boy did I need a cuddle with her!
My husband was in quite a state and was taken off in the ambulance accompanied by my Step-Dad as I was told to stay with my Daughter. They took him to the hospital and we learned that enroute he had another bad seizure but was luckily ok. A few hours later he was allowed home and his parents went to pick them up and bring them back to my Mums, where we stayed that night and for a week afterwards. I was a nervous wreck every time he was out of my site, the smallest noise and I was shouting out to see what had happened. It has taken three and half years of trying to be less panicky about everything but this on top of being a parent has definitely made me more anxious! I had some counselling but was told after two sessions that I was fine. Apparently having common sense makes you fine! Anyway, I am actually ok now, I still have flashbacks now and again but I try to quickly switch to visualising something else. What I will never understand though is how on earth I had the strength to do what I did that day, but it was in me. It's in us all and when you need it, it will come, it will always come! So I suppose we should never be afraid? I'm not quite there yet but I'm working on it!
Crikey Kaori I had no idea what you went through on this day. I hope now when you have flashbacks you can remind yourself of your amazing strength. You are a fearless superwoman who should be incredibly proud of yourself, I certainly am of you xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks Jac x
DeleteWow kaori you have no idea how amazing you are.... To give J another chance and little lady her Daddy super super mindblowing amazing!!
ReplyDeleteYou have shown that with grit, adrenalin and unconditional love we have the power to defy logic and science. Thats why i believe angels give us the extra oooomph needed in a crisis... They were there that day protecting you all and through your 'recovery' they remain and will do long after.... You nay not believe in things like this but a higher you was at play whatever you believe!!
Very humbling blog xxxx much love to you all xxx
Thank you Tania x
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